Thursday, May 19, 2005

My Profile

So I finally got sick of all of my loyal readership out there constantly asking to see a picture of me. I mean, come on, guys, I'm only human, I can't resist the dozens upon dozens of emails you people are constantly sending, asking for a taste of my 1940's-era-movie-star good looks. Well, as some of you already know, I can't post a photo of myself, because the flimsy pseudonym is all that protects me from being identified and beaten to death by the evangelical neocon oligarchs who are threatened by my journalism. Besides, there are some "proceedings" still pending and if the general public knew who I was, it might compromise the cheerleaders and would certainly embarass the chicken, and lord knows she's been through enough already. So instead of my picture, I am posting a drawing of my most favorite celebrity, Spider Jerusalem. If you don't know who Spider is, then get your head out of your ass. Thanks, Warren Ellis and co.!

The REAL story (boom shaka laka!)

The sexual agenda of the Evangelical Christianist Right in America has long been very confusing to me. But you know what? I think I'm starting to get it. Consider this. Gay marriage BAD, forcing a 13-year-old girl in Florida to have a baby GOOD. Birth control BAD, abstinence-only sex ed programs (which don't work) GOOD. Condoms BAD, pharmacists who refuse to fill birth control prescriptions GOOD. David Hager, doctor and biblical scholar who was picked last year to advise President Bush on women's health issues, has used his pull with the FDA to scuttle the safest, surest form of birth control ever invented, on moral grounds. Get it yet?

THEY DON'T WANT US TO HAVE SEX FOR FUN.

Yeah, imagine what a fucked-up world it would be if we all started having sex for fun. Hager, by the way, according to a powerful expose in the most recent issue of THE NATION, took advantage of his former wife's narcolepsy to anally rape her while she was unable to resist, and had an affair with some girl he met in Bible study school. Keep studying, Dave, you'll get it someday! Now HE'S fun. There's an evangelical, Christian, moral neo-con you'd like to have at your birthday party, but, and I cannot say this strongly enough, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU DRUNK.

Because this is my first entry on sex, I did NOT post a picture of David Hager. You're welcome.